Hello folks, and welcome to the Cape Cod Invitational Osprey Pooping Contest!
I'm your host David Lipsy. Joining me is one of Cape Cod's very own Osprey experts, Suzie Wrisley.
Today we go to that bastion of sand, surf and marsh, West Dennis Beach, where we will be bringing you the FINALS of the 2016 West Dennis Beach Juvenile Osprey Poop Contest. This competition is part of the Cape wide Osprey Poop Contest's held each year here on the beaches of beautiful Cape Cod, MA.
"It's a GREAT day for some bird poop David"!
"Okay, it looks like Dad is quieting things down for the Nation Anthem Suzie".
"That certainly was a rousing rendition Suzie".
"Sure was David. Did you happen to notice how hard the American Flag was whipping around across the bay"? "I think the contestants are going to have a rough time with projection as well as height".
"I agree Suzie; lets hope that the the parents of this trio have taught their children well in regard to shooting with the wind".
"Hahaha David... I sure as shit hope so... could get very messy down on the competition nest before too long".
"Suzie it looks like the lead Ref is ready to get us under way".
"Indeed it does David".
Contestant #1 backs up into position. #1 is with the wind, so we should see some good distance from this shot.
Mom is giving last minute encouragement while Dad simply looks on.
"Theres the first shot Suzie"! "Looks to have good velocity as well as a startling amount of mass towards the end point of the shot".
"It sure does David... this could make it a good long way"!
"Wow... this bird has some amazing control beyond the the sphincter David"!
"Contestant #1 has just pulled off an amazing maneuver, The FLOWER... complete with Thorn Stem!!
"It truly is amazing Suzie... if this is any indication of what is to come today, we are in for a treat"!!
"David... I can't believe it... #1's shot has gone from the flower to a spin-balanced Heart"! "#1 has already proven its mastery of shape changing, and the shot has barely cleared it's apex"! "Suzie, I'm speechless, and you know that is a very rare occurrence"!
"You can say that again David, he heh".
"Oh My... Suzie, #1's shot was being taken down by the wind, so the creative little shitster morphed it into The AIRPLANE to gain some height"!
"What an amazing young Scatmaster this bird has shown itself to be"!
"But wait David... something's wrong with the shot"! "Oh no.. The Airplane dragged the end of the shitstream ACROSS IT'S MOTHERS BACK"! "After this shot is over the referees are going to have to confer and decide just what if any penalty should be dealt out".
"David, this is simply amazing... in an attempt to placate the judges, #1 has again transformed its shot into... No Way..... The Lasso with full Heart Tip"!!
"Suzie, we just might be witnessing one of the seasons best shit slings yet"!
"Suzie, I don't think I have ever seen such stiff competition. I really hope the other contestants don't get flustered by... Wait... is it"?
"This kid just does not stop! It looks like... No Way"!! "Suzie, at the last second, this kid split his stream and somehow managed to add the Flying Horsie"!!!
The crowd is going wild folks!!
"Yes David, they sure have gotten an eyeful of shit on this first shot"!
"Suzie, I just saw that the ref's are together talking to see if the shitting of Mom is in any specific violation".
"David, if I understand the rules of the competition... and I do... they will leave it up to Mom for the final decision.
"David, it looks like Mom, hiding her new 'shit stripe' is giving the green light".
"Well Suzie, with an absolute craptastic shot from #1, I couldn't imagine having her disqualify that shitty blast".
Our second contestant has backed into position and looks ready for the judges ready signal.
"Suzie, Contestant #2 has wasted no time, stepping right up and blasting out a Knotted Rope".
"Yes David, and I believe #2 is going to gain extra style points due to it's fantastic precision in knot spacing.
"Suzie, I am not familiar with this next formation".
"David this is called 'The Mountain Range'. It has a higher degree of award points due to the fact that this is considered a 'dismounted' formation".
"That makes sense Suzie".
"Wait one moment Suzie... did #2 just rework its last formation... Into it's own signature"??
"David... I think #2 wrote.... MOM"!
"It does look that way Suzie. Sure seems a crappy way to honor your mother... but the technique itself is Super Scatastic"!
"Suzie, it looks like our third contestant is stepping up... wait... #3 is going to shoot INTO the wind"!
"David, this could be a problem. Notice how Mom is trying to stop her young contestant".
"Yes Suzie, I also believe one of the other contestants is trying to physically move its sibling... seems to have a hold of #3 by the beak"!
Can we get a close up of the family Frank?
"Apparently this bird has already made its mind up and wants to shoot into the wind, David".
"Suzie, that's really not a good idea. I know first hand; one time on a mountain, above tree-line"...
"Huh? Oh yeah, yeah... right. It's just not a good idea".
"Here's the shot, Suzie"!
"David, #3 has defied the odds of shooting into the wind thus far, and gotten out a fairly decent 'Diamond Head Snake'"!
"David, it looks like a gust of wind has caught the shot and is knocking it down, blowing any chance for creativity. #3 is not going to be happy with its 1st shot".
"Yes Suzie, you can see #3 has already given up on the powerful pewtrified projection... you can also see Dad just look away in disgust".
"Is that it then for #3 Suzie"?
"No David, the rules state that if a contestant is not satisfied with it's Comp Shot, it may take a short break to re-fuel and take a second shot".
"Suzie, I thought that might be the case but look at this! #3 is immediately backing into position for its second shot, and again, it's going to shoot into the wind! Mom watches as the other contestants huddle down out of the way in case the shot is taken by the wind onto the competition nest deck"!
Contestant #3 gets into position. Although into the wind, it still angles its body to the special Comp Shot Position... designed to get maximum power, projection and height.
Contestant #3's 2nd shot is underway!
"Suzie, this second shot does not look to be as strong as #3's 1st blast".
"Yes David, this is most likely because it did not allow the proper build up of gas in it's propulsion chamber, which provides much of the explosive power required in these highly pressurized competitive shots... but we could still be surprised".
"David, #3 smartly waited for a break in the wind gusts to fire, but these interruptions in the wind do not last all that long".
"It punched out a Knotted Rope directly into the wind; if you look closely David you can see mid-way in the stream that the rope is beginning to buckle. There was just not enough propulsion to overcome the powerful poof of wind that returned".
"In fact Suzie, it sure looks like the wind just grabbed complete control of #3's second shot".
"David, it looks to me as if #3 was attempting to please the Willet judges by producing the letter 'W', but, the wind has knocked down that attempt as well".
"Suzie, Competitive Poop Shooting can be a very crappy competition on the best of days, but on days with the wind gusting as it has here today, it can be almost impossible.
"Suzie, I don't think #3 has given up yet on its shitty shot! Notice how it is still in the competition pose... just look at the concentration on that kids face"!
"David, I believe you are correct!! #3 has, in a last ditch effort wrestled back control of its blast and has somehow managed to extrude a Number 2"!!
"Suzie, I'm stunned! #3's efforts have paid off handsomely"!!
"Yes David, that is a perfectly shaped Number 2! I'm very impressed"!!
The head referee checks in with all the judges to make sure there are no other infractions.
Sky Judge say's all clear
The Bush Level Judge gives the all clear.
A Green Heron looks on, hoping this asinine shitfest is over.
Dad brings in more fish to refuel his kids... they are growing at a most prodigious rate after all, and this competition takes so much out of them.
"The judges have completed their clean up of the scores, and provided us the 'sludge report'". "It's no surprise who won this match, Suzie.
1st place OSPR #1
2nd Place OSPR #2
3rd Place OSPR #3
"Yes, David, no surprise at all. With 5 fantastic formations in one shot, which by the way is a new Juvenile Osprey Record here at West Dennis, this incredible Scatastic kid surely set the pace, not just for this match, but for many matches yet to come".
" Yes Suzie, a shot was fired across the bow of every future contestant today, giving warning that there will be a new challenger winging its way towards the Porcelain Potty come next Spring. I'd say all three of these kids are well on their way to one day challenging the Cape-wide Adult Osprey Poop Shot title "King Shit", reigning from their Porcelain Throne for the entire summer, until they disperse, migrating down to South America".
"You know David, it's a little known fact that Osprey chicks spend the first 6-8 weeks of their life with pretty much nothing to do to keep them occupied. From early on in life, they explore, experiment and refine their poop-trail artistic work, as well as holding projection contests. These are judged on distance, height of arch reached and the final "SPLAT Factor. However, with today's winds, the "Splat Factor" was tossed into the crapper.
"In fact, Poop Projection Researchers presume that this activity actually helps increase a young Ospreys growth rate, as they eat at such a prodigious rate to refuel in preparation for their next practice session".
Okay, well, that just about flushes this one. I want to thank you Suzie for joining us here today for a truly great day of crap.
For Suzie Wrisley, I'm Grand Scat Master David Lipsy of the Scatastic Broadcast Corporation telling you:
Remember, when the tail goes up, shits gonna fly!
Good night everybody.
** No portions of this broadcast may be re-broacast for any reason without the express written consent of the Scatastic Broadcast Corporation (SCB)
All rights Reserved. XXVVXIX 2016 SCB